It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these posts, but here I am, writing at 1 AM wondering what time I’ll be sleeping tonight. Maybe some of you are like me – when I get stressed, I don’t – no, can’t sleep – I have to lose myself in a show, or happy movies. This week has kind of sucked, if I’m being honest. Some things have become very clear and they break my heart. My family is going to have a very tough decision in our future, and it breaks my heart.

My dog is 11.5, and it’s very apparent that his health is declining. He’s a black lab, and they have this known problem called Laryngeal Paralysis, which basically means his throat is paralyzing and eventually he won’t be able to breathe. H makes this rasping sound – we call him Darth Vader – but it’s basically his throat not working properly. It doesn’t help that now it’s hot and humid where we live, but stress and/or excitement is what really makes it evident. We thought we were going to lose him Monday – he hates baths, and he needed one. I have never seen my dog struggle to breathe like he was after we’d finished. We had to give him a mild sedative to get him to calm down. I hate seeing him like that. He’s super sensitive to painkillers and sedatives and they throw him for a loop and he doesn’t act like my dog.

I’m crying while writing this. I absolutely hate thinking about this, about losing him. But I know it’s going to be a quality of life decision. It just hurts to know that other than old age and the throat issue, he’s healthy and still his old self. I hate that this throat issue could potentially take him from me earlier than old age. We always knew that this was coming. It’s super common in labs. He’s been with me for 11.5 years. He’s my baby, and I honestly don’t know what I’ll do without him.

I remember years ago, I went and saw Marley & Me in theaters, and despite it being a sad movie, all I could picture was my dog. Now it’s all too real. I want to make one thing explicitly clear – when it comes down to what’s best for him, we will make that decision. I know my dog, I know how he acts, when he’s not feeling good, when anything is wrong with him. I will know when it’s that time. The day my dog stops being interested in food – the thing he literally rules his life by – that is the day I will be concerned. So, please, please don’t think that I’d do anything but what is best for him. He is loved, he is spoiled rotten, and he’s had an amazing life. And I hope that he stays healthy enough to be around for a longer time. I can face reality without it being thrown in my face.

I didn’t plan on starting this post on a sad note. In fact, I didn’t plan on writing about this at all, it just kind of poured out of me. Earlier this week, I wrote up a Twitter thread, but I never posted it. I’ve been a wreck all week. Crying off and on…and still crying as I write this. Anyone with a pet knows, how hard facing this reality is, and I want to know, who the fuck decided dogs had to have a fraction of the lifespan as humans.

I thought writing all of this out might make me feel better, but I don’t think anything can make this better.

But it’s time to move on to what I actually was going to talk about – ALA and next week. Somehow the end of June became kind of packed and hectic, and I’m literally hopping from one thing to another.

I’m going to ALA! Well, the Exhibition portion on Saturday, Sunday and Monday and I’m so excited! I’ve never been to a book event like this and while there is excitement, I’m also a tad nervous. I think the nervousness will pass after Saturday, but I’m really looking forward to meeting all the people I’ve met and befriended on Twitter (who will be there) in person! Like, really be able to put a face to a name. I’m going with two friends, who also haven’t been, but they’ve been to events like BookCon, so they probably have a bit of a better idea of what to expect.

I have no idea what books will be there, I know of a few authors who will be signing, but other than that, I’ll just be walking around, collecting books and probably way too many tote bags. I really would love to pick up A Heart So Fierce and Broken, The Burning Shadow and There Will Come a Darkness – I know AHSFAB will be there, but I’m not entirely sure if the other two will be, but fingers crossed! If I only left with those three books, I’d be happy. I’m just really excited I made the last-minute decision to go and if you’re there, and you see me, feel free to say ‘hi’!

Then on Tuesday, I’m heading to PA for the Brigid Kemmerer and Anna Bright signing for Call It What You Want and The Beholder – both of which are fantastic books and you should check them out if you haven’t already…well, check out Anna’s book, Brigid’s doesn’t come out until June 25^th. I have reviews posted for both of these books, here and here, respectively. I’m super excited for this event and can’t wait to support both of them. Brigid is a friend, and I absolutely loved The Beholder and told Anna as much when I saw her at Apollycon this past March.

It’s almost a three-hour drive to this singing, so I probably won’t be getting back home until midnight, if the last signing I went to at this location is indicative of what this next one will be like.

You might be thinking, ‘well what is so bad about getting home after midnight?’ How about an 8AM (or something like that, I can’t remember the exact time) flight to Texas.

Which means a 6AM or something wakeup call, after a whole extended weekend of books. I’m most definitely going to be passed out on the plane. My plan is to have my two regular posts scheduled ahead of time, but that just depends on life basically. I won’t always have wifi, so if there isn’t a post up, don’t worry! I would say that I’m super excited to be going to Texas, but I really hate the idea of spending a week away from my dog…and now I’m crying again.

This has been my life all week. I’ve been walking around with a pressure headache, and I need to stop thinking about it, because it’s not doing anything but making my own fears worse.

To end on a happier note, I just finished reading The Glass Spare by Lauren DeStefano and I am so mad I don’t already own book 2 – The Cursed Sea. I got the book back in 2017(?) in an OwlCrate box and had put it aside to read at a later date. I finally sat down and read it and omfg I loved it. It was a little hard to get into, but once you’re in it, you just get sucked in and can’t put it down. I read probably the last 75% all today, and then just stared at the last page cursing myself for not having The Cursed Sea, which if I hadn’t been practicing self-control during its release (You haven’t read book 1, so don’t but book 2, you don’t even know if you’ll like book 1) I would already own, and would have just dived right into it, ignoring my TBR.

I’m also watching GLEE for the first time since it aired – I stopped watching like halfway through, and now I’m like halfway through season 4, and I’m strangely addicted. I wanted something like a musical/with music, and GLEE works. Also, I love Matthew Morrison, but that might be more about the fact that he played J.M. Barrie in Finding Neverland, and I’m a sucker for that musical and Peter Pan.

Anyways, if you’ve made to the end of this ‘longer than I anticipated or planned’ post, thank you, and I’m sorry for starting it off on such a sad note. I try to be personal on this blog, to be me, and I needed to vent. Also, sorry if there are any typos in the beginning – I wrote it through tears and I just tried to go back and read through it and started crying again. I work hard to be honest on this blog, and that extends to these posts. Yeah, I do try to be happier, but sometimes there are just no options to be happy. Life kind of really sucks sometimes, and right now this is one of those times. So, I’m going to get this thing scheduled, cuddle with my dog and head upstairs, where I’ll probably watch a few episodes of GLEE, despite the fact that it’s now almost 2AM, because stress.

I hope your week has been better than mine, and I hope that the books you are reading are serving as a brief escape from the sometimes crappiness of life.