Yeah, so, imposter syndrome hit hard this month.
More often than not, I felt like “what’s the point?”
Which is an awful feeling. It makes everything seem utterly worthless, and then the voices start whispering that no one is going to like or want to read your book, so why bother?
Needless to say, I didn’t actually make any progress on my SF WIP this past month. It seems dumb to be concerned about “what if’s” when your book is still a WIP and there’s no pressure in potentially disappointing people, but fuck, that’s exactly what I’m terrified of.
In an environment that is so damn quick to judge, cancel and attack, the desire to put something out there is severely diminished. It makes me doubt myself, my capabilities of telling a story that won’t upset the masses. Even though logically I know that my book won’t be loved by everyone. That’s a given and that’s okay! There have been plenty of books that everyone has loved that just haven’t worked for me. It happens!
But more and more, the book and writing community just feels less inviting.
Yes, there are legitimate concerns and complaints that I’m 100% behind and good with backing. I’m not going to say that there aren’t, because that would be dishonest. But sometimes it feels like an echo chamber, that just snowballs until telling a story starts to feel like “what’s the point?”
What’s the point when I see how readers and fans treat authors who are debuting, or established, how readers and fans treat others who don’t share the same opinions? Do I want to invite that king of negativity or toxicity into my life?
Now, I know that a lot of these concerns are coming from this mental block I’m currently in. I know that for all the negativity there are probably 2x as many people who champion, who bolster, who are there to offer their support! I’ve met so many wonderful people in both of these communities who yell “write your books! write your stories!”
The few people who have read my SF WIP have begged for more.
I love all of these people.
But sometimes you get into your head and it’s damn hard to get out of it.
I don’t not want to finish writing my story.
I don’t not want to see it eventually published.
But right now, I’m in this weird ass headspace where I don’t feel good enough, so why bother at all.
With all this being said, my brain has supplied me with two new Shiny Ideas.
Well, technically one is a new old idea that I found in a past journal. I really want to type it up and maybe expand it. It’s a dystopian idea, and maybe it could be my NaNo 2020 project. It’s still early, so we’ll see.
The other idea came from a dream. I’m not really sure if anything will come of it, but it was good, and potentially has vampires? All I know is that a group attacks, and I haven’t decided if they’re human or paranormal. I’m not sure what the genre would be, but I think it would make for a good story.
I so badly wanted this monthly update to be glowing, to have me saying I finished my revisions! Unfortunately, my life and my brain had other plans. Maybe July will be different, we’ll see.
I hope all you’re writing journeys are going well!