I don’t know if this is actually the case, or if it’s something else…but it feels like burnout.
Maybe I’ve just been trying to ignore it, push it aside, hoping it will fade away.
Maybe it’s all COVID’s fault that I’m feeling stifled, uninspired, stuck…
No, I’m pretty sure I can at least put part of the blame on COVID and the lacking ability to go anywhere, any events, see people outside of those in my neighborhood.
I was talking on the phone with my best friend – which isn’t anything like sitting outside of one of our houses in a car until like 3AM talking – I miss those days. I was telling her about how I just felt uninspired, stuck, lost…strange. Like, I couldn’t bring myself to do certain things because I had no desire, no drive.
Which really isn’t the case, because I want to write, I want to read, I want to do a lot of things, but then I sit down to do them, and the desire is gone. I just wanted to sit on the couch, wait for someone to turn something on – something I didn’t choose – and just get lost in in for a bit.
Then I sort of came to this conclusion that it wasn’t that I didn’t want to read, or write, but the enjoyment had sort of disappeared.
I’ve read 86 books in 2020.
Some of those I read in a day.
I’ve just been inhaling stories, because what else is there to do?
I can’t go anywhere, do anything…not really.
Even going to the beach, while social distancing wasn’t the same. I’d be walking along the beach, and you have to make a wide berth around the few other people meandering around, as they made a wide berth around me. Logically, I know it’s because of COVID, but fuck. Minding your own business, and then seeing someone make the conscious choice to avoid you…it sucks.
But I’ve been inhaling books, because they take my mind somewhere else, let me become someone else. Which is all well and good, and I love reading, I love reviewing, and I love blogging.
I’ve completely immersed myself into my blog, growing my platform, reading books, having opportunities that I never expect. I’ve been getting approved for ARCs, books I never expected to get ARCs for, and it’s been great.
But there’s another side to all the reading, all the commitments I’ve willingly made in growing my blog.
I’m tired of reading things because I agreed to read them.
I fucking miss reading for fun.
Randomly grabbing a book off my shelf because I suddenly just want to read it.
It’s why I think I let BookTok convince me to re-read the ACOTAR series.
And you know what’s so fucked up? I felt guilty for downloading the audiobook for ACOTAR. I felt guilty for choosing to read that, over the eleven or so books that I have sitting on NetGalley waiting for me to read. I shouldn’t feel guilty for reading whatever I feel like reading.
And that’s what I hate.
What I’ve started to hate.
I’m obviously still going to read the books that I agreed to read and review, and I know I’m probably going to enjoy them, but I wish the pressure were gone. But I also still want the opportunity to read anticipated reads, early.
As a best friend should, mine told me to basically just keep re-reading ACOTAR and read things that I want to read. To give myself that time and space. I just finished ACOMAF before writing this post. I think, besides the ARCs, I’m pretty much going to ignore my TBR, or try not to be too harsh if I don’t get through it. The last thing I want to do is to throw myself into a full-on slump/burnout where I don’t read anything.
If I’m being honest, I think this also extends to my SF WIP.
I’m about halfway through revisions, and I haven’t really touched it in months.
It doesn’t help that in my head, all the revisions are done, the book is done. So, when I go to open the doc, I get annoyed that it’s not actually done, and then I don’t feel like working on it. But beyond that, I feel less inclined to work on it, whenever someone asks why I haven’t finished it yet? When will it be done? When will you be published? When can I read it? When will you ever finish your book – you’ve been working on it for forever?
I don’t know about you, but I fucking hate these questions. I hate the pressure they add to an already somewhat stressful thing. They assume that writing a book is easy, that editing, and revising are fixing a few minor grammatical errors. They assume I’m just being lazy and won’t ever finish it.
I know I should double down and finish it, but that would be to spite them. And for whatever reason, I don’t want to finish my SF WIP that way. I’ve talked about some of my feelings and thoughts about writing and being creative in last few Writing Updates. It’s just so much, and sometimes, it’s easier to just not touch it.
Which is ridiculous, because I’m at this point, where I want to have CP’s read my WIP. I want readers to hopefully fall in love with McKenna, Connor and Co. I want them to board Destiny and go on this journey I wrote. I want all of those things, yet…yet, I still haven’t finished my revisions. It’s been months since I swore, I would be done.
Beyond the constant questions from well-meaning people, I miss being creative, and I’ve reached the point of my SF WIP, where I don’t feel like I’m creating. Not really. I think it’s why I’ve been plagued with a bunch of Shiny New Ideas. I’ve had so many of them in the last few months, but I feel guilty working on them when I know I need to finally finish my SF WIP.
I’m just in this giant guilt cycle. I hate it.
I’ll figure my way out of it. I’m going to start with bingeing the ACOTAR series. I’m going to thoroughly enjoy it. I’m going to get swept away with it, and then I’m going to mood read some other books because I want to. I’m going to mix in review books as well, and maybe I’ll give myself some leeway to write something that holds no bearing to anything else. Maybe those things will have me fully enjoying things again.
This post ended up being way longer than I expected or anticipated it being. It wasn’t even what I’d planned on posting today, but after talking with my best friend, I felt the need to post on here. Get you someone who will tell you to do whatever the fuck you feel like doing. Get you someone who will call you on your shit and stop procrastinating. Get you someone who knows and understands you, and will enable you and also reign you in. I know I wouldn’t have written this post, without having talked to her for over an hour today. I’d still be shoving these feelings down inside, not wanting to put words to them, or even share them.
I’m going to end this here but let me know if you want a review post for the ACOTAR series – I’ve never reviewed them before, despite reading them often. And let me know if you want a normal review, or just me gushing, with spoilers.